anxiety

How to stress less and achieve your goals

Not dealing with the bills, not progressing with our careers, not making that important phone call. There are lots of things in life which stress us out and we know we’d feel better if we got on and did them but often we don’t.

The effects of long term stress can be unpleasant. Bad digestion, poor sleep, lowered immunity and trouble making decisions can all be effects of stress. So when we know what it is that’s stressing us out why don’t we get on and deal with it?

piggy bank

You might know that your life would be less stressed if you changed job, got on top of your finances or adopted a healthier lifestyle but that doesn’t mean it feels achievable. When you’re already feeling stressed or anxious goals can feel impossible. Stress and anxiety can feel exhausting and you might feel like you just don’t have the energy to deal with it. But there is a way to reduce the overwhelm and make your plans happen.

1. Relax

Relax regularly to give yourself the spare energy and capacity to make the changes. Once you’re feeling calmer and more relaxed the mountain you felt you needed climb might feel more like a big hill. When you’re relaxed you have greater access to the less emotional part of your brain which can help you find practical solutions to achieving your goals. See tips on ways to relax

2. Keep it small

Start small and build up. Rome wasn’t built in a day, a cliché because it’s true. Little wins will pave the way to your ultimate goal. Change what you can today and make a plan for rest.

3. Make a plan

Make a step by step plan of how you’re going to achieve the change. Make the steps as small, specific and manageable as possible. Remember one small step for man equals one giant leap for..

man writing

4. Write it down

Don’t keep it all in your head, your brain won’t thank you. When you keep your to do list in your head you’re giving your brain unfinished business which it feels obliged to resolve. Hence all the time spent chewing it over. Instead write down your plan in as much detail as you can. Once it’s all down on paper your brain doesn’t feel the same compulsion to remind you about it in the middle of the night.

5. Rehearse

Spend some time mentally rehearsing your next step. Close your eyes and imagine seeing yourself doing the next step. Studies show that if you imagine seeing yourself doing something it makes it more likely that you will follow through and do it.

Imagine it in as much detail as possible using all your senses. Where are you, what does it look like, sound like, smell like?

6. Start

Get started on the next step. Tell yourself you’re going to do it for 5 minutes. Once you get started you’ll most likely find you carry on for longer and get more done. Remember your brain is wired to complete things once it’s started.

7. Tick it off

Tick off the steps as you do them. Feel the satisfaction of making progress and watch all those ticks build up. It sounds juvenile but being able to see your progress helps motivate you to carry on.

woman dancing

8. Wiggle

Make sure your plan has some wiggle room. Even athletes have colds and play hooky occasionally. Think of your progress as a graph. If in general the line is going up that’s good enough, you’re not a robot.

9. Relax

Make sure you include time to relax and recharge. When you’re relaxed and refreshed you’re more efficient at everything else.

10. Recalibrate

If you find yourself getting anxious remind yourself of your plan, take it out and look at it. Remember how far you’ve come. Savour those ticks. Imagine seeing yourself doing the next step and carry on.

As long as you’re moving forward, bit by bit you’ll get there.

How to talk yourself out of stress and anxiety

Often it’s what we’re saying to ourselves in our heads which stresses us out. “I’m never going to get that promotion, I’m not good enough.” “It’s all going to be a disaster.”

No wonder we don’t feel good when we have a running commentary of doom and gloom whispering in our ear 24/7. How exhausting, and demoralizing.

So what’s the alternative?

Don’t think bad thoughts? Wouldn’t that be nice. But I’m not going to tell you not to have the thoughts because if you could do that I’m pretty sure you would have already. Instead what you can do is add to what your telling yourself.

road signs

1. Consider more options

When you catch yourself telling yourself a disaster scenario stop, think of alternative scenarios and say those too. For example

“This presentation is going to be awful, I’m going to mess it up.”

Can become -

“This presentation is going to be awful, I’m going to mess it up or it might actually go okay. It might even be really good.”

“I can’t do this, I’m not capable.”

Can become -

“I can’t do this, I’m not capable but I’m going to give it a go. You never know it might turn out better than I expect. At the very least I’ll learn what not to do next time.”

You don’t need to believe what you’re saying, you’re just offering alternatives and widening your perspective.

sunflower

2. Add 3 things

Take whatever negative you’re saying to yourself and add three things you notice. For example

“I’m going to throw up I feel so nervous.”

Can become -

“I’m going to throw up I feel so nervous and the sky is blue, there’s a flower over there and my hair is brown.”

It sounds odd but doing this takes the sting out of the initial thought making it more neutral. You can even make it funny by using your imagination.

“I’m going to throw up I feel so nervous and clowns have big noses, I like apple pie and tickle rhymes with pickle.”

When you use these methods you’re not fighting the thought but adding to it and diluting it. Try it and see how it feels.

How to reduce stress and anxiety naturally

We all get frazzled sometimes. Life gets on top of us. Too much to do, too little time. The demands of work and family. Stress of illness or uncertainty. With the lifestyle changes we’ve all made recently due to Coronavirus we may have more stress and anxiety in our lives than ever.

With thoughts swirling around our heads and the physical stress on our bodies it can feel like a cycle we can’t get out of. But there are things we can do ourselves to help reduce the effects of stress and anxiety.

Is relaxation really the answer to anxiety?

It’s sounds simple doesn’t it? Maybe too simple? But honestly if you were relaxed while you were ruminating on the past or worrying about the future how much better would it feel?

It’s not really the thoughts we have which cause the problem, it’s the way we react to them. The thoughts you have are normal, everyone sometimes wonders if they did something wrong or wonder what might happen tomorrow. The difference as to whether it overwhelms you and affects your everyday life is how thinking that makes you feel.

When we can relax while we have a thought or imagine a scenario which used to bother us, we can start to detach from it.

Have you ever tried being anxious and relaxed at the same time? It’s kind of impossible. Once you’re less bothered about the thought or the scenario your mind will begin to get the idea this isn’t something you need to worry about and the thought/idea will often fade over time.

Also relaxing helps to combat the physical effects of stress and anxiety. When we feel stressed and anxious we can find ourselves tensing our shoulders, grinding our teeth or even having an upset stomach. There are lots of physical symptoms associated with long term stress and anxiety. But when we relax we can release the physical tension and help the body to operate optimally.

So how can I relax?

Here are 3 ways to relax

How to relax with uncertainty

You’re in limbo right now, like everyone else. When will we have this Covid 19 beat? When will the kids go back to school? When can you stop working from your kitchen table and get a decent cup of coffee? You don’t know how long it will be before you can go for coffee with your friends or visit your family. You can’t make definitive plans and us humans like making plans. Planning is one of those skills that’s helped us develop into the world dominating species we are. So waking up to uncertainty every day can be stressful and make you feel anxious. It can even make you feel helpless but you’re not.

Learning to deal with uncertainty is a skill which is valuable right now and also for your future. We often kid ourselves up that we are in control of everything but that’s simply not possible. How often do your plans go to plan anyway? By learning to deal with uncertainty now you’ll set yourself up for a less stressful future.

3 ways to relax with uncertainty

What if?

You may notice your mind trying to deal with uncertainty by filling in the blanks. This often tends to be by taking the negative, worst case, doomsday scenario and slotting it in. If this is true for you every time you have the thought stop and think of alternatives. What’s the best possible outcome? What’s a middle of the road kind of outcome?

You never know with all the tech companies on the case we might get a vaccine sooner than anyone thought. In a few months time we might not be quite back to normal but things may be a lot less restricted. We might actually get to grips with technology and start enjoying spending more time at home.

You don’t have to believe these alternatives, you’re just making room for different scenarios. By having other options it’s like you’re telling your mind to ‘hold this space’ while it waits for more information.

7/11 breathing

This one comes up a lot for a reason, it works! You breathe in for a count of 7 and out for a count of 11. The idea is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in. This sends a signal to your body and brain to stand down, nothing threatening is happening, it can relax.

If 7/11 is too long a count for you try 4/7 or another number, as long as the out breath is longer. Try to breathe from your belly rather than your chest. If you put a hand on your belly you can feel it rise as you breathe in and fall as you breathe it out. Take it gently, you might not notice much difference the first few times.

Once you’re comfortable with the breathing technique practice it while you’re worrying, feeling anxious or running doomsday scenarios through your head. Breathing this way can help you relax while having the feeling or thought. Once you can feel relaxed even when the thought or feeling pops up it doesn’t have the same impact on you.

Special place

Imagine somewhere it would be very relaxing and safe to be. It could be your own bedroom, somewhere you’ve been on holiday or somewhere you’d like to visit, it doesn’t matter. Imagine being there in as much detail as possible. Is it warm or cool? What colours and shapes can you see? What sounds are there? What does it feel like or how does it smell?

Spend some time exploring there until you feel very relaxed. Then, while still relaxing in your special place, get a bit of a sense of that uncertain feeling or thought in the distance. Perhaps there’s a doomsday picture that goes with it. You could imagine seeing it on a TV screen far away. Notice how different it feels when you’re comfortable and relaxed in your special place and it’s all the way over there. You can let the screen go blank and relax even more deeply in your special place.

If you’re still having trouble coping with the uncertainty I offer one to one online appointments. Alternatively you can check out more techniques on my YouTube channel.

5 reasons to relax

You might be aware you need to relax more but you struggle to justify spending time chilling out when you have a to do list longer than your arm. How can you justify the time to laze around when that project isn’t going to finish itself or those dishes are waiting to be washed? It’s a bit like stretching, you know you should be doing it but it’s not as sexy as pumping iron and getting a sweat up. If this sounds like you here are some very good reasons to justify why it’s vital for you to incorporate relaxation into your life.

1. Relaxing improves your physical health

When you’re highly stressed or anxious you’re in fight or flight mode. This is a mode meant for emergencies and not long term use. It can raise your heart rate, make you sweat, interrupt your digestion and prime the muscles ready to run or fight.

Long term this can have adverse affects on your heart, lead to diabetes, and cause digestion problems amongst others. It’s exhausting in itself and it can lead to nights of worry and sleep deprivation. Relaxing is the natural antidote to stress and anxiety. It calms your body and mind and helps them to work more efficiently.

2. You’re more efficient when you’re relaxed

Ever noticed when you’re stressed how it’s hard to think straight? You might struggle to make decisions or things become so black and white that if everything isn’t perfect it’s all a disaster.

Constant stress can leave you struggling to write that presentation, make a calculation, decide what to tackle on your to do list or even decide what to have for dinner.

This is because the fight or flight state is made for emergencies. In such situations you don’t have time to ponder nuances and you need to decide fast whether to run or fight before that tiger pounces on you.

This isn’t useful in situations where things aren’t so clear cut. When you’re relaxed you think more clearly and have access to more of your knowledge and wisdom to make better, more efficient decisions.

3. You’re happier when you’re less stressed ie relaxed

Relaxing won’t make you ecstatically happy all the time but it does feel better than being stressed and anxious. When you can think about problems in a relaxed manner you can take things in your stride more easily. When you’re not stressed little things don’t upset you so much and you’re less likely to get angry and frustrated.

4. You’re a nicer person to be around when you’re relaxed

Even if you feel you can’t justify the time to relax for yourself how about doing it for the benefit of everyone else in your life? When you’re less stressed you’re more patient with others as well as yourself.

You can help others more as you can think more clearly. You can remain level headed even when others are stressing out. You can cut people more slack and be a nicer, more chilled you. Imagine getting on better with your family, friends and colleagues.

5. Relaxing saves you time

Believe it or not relaxing can actually lead to you having more time to get everything done. When you’re stressed it’s harder to think clearly and so it’s more difficult to make decisions. You can find yourself wasting time being indecisive.

When you’re relaxed you can make decisions more quickly and efficiently. When you’re more relaxed you’re also less likely to have stress related illnesses that may slow you down and take up your time with being ill and having doctor and hospital appointments. Also relaxing doesn’t take up as much time as you might think.

A bit of stress at the right time can help motivate you to get things done. But a lot of stress over the longer term can be detrimental to your health. When you relax regularly you can reduce the effects of stress and be a happier, healthier, more efficient you.

5 quick ways to relax when you’re stuck at home

With Coronavirus virus keeping us all indoors massages, drinks with friends or whatever methods you usually use to relieve stress may not be on the menu. On the other hand being at home more doesn’t necessarily mean you have more time if you’re trying to work, look after someone else or homeschool.

Luckily there are ways to relax at home which you can incorporate into your day without taking up more time.

1. Mindful showering

I know it can be tempting to let it all hang out if you’re not doing video calls but I’m really hoping you’re still showering. As well as keeping you clean that five or ten minutes can be a peaceful start/end to your day by applying a bit of mindfulness.

Pay attention to how the water feels, the strength of the flow, temperature, sound.

Notice the colours, shapes and feel of the shampoo/shower gel. When you squirt it into your hand does it make a sound? How does it feel on your fingers? What does it smell like? How does it feel in your hair?

When you notice your mind wandering bring it back to what you’re doing and continue noticing more details. Whenever you’re in the moment you’re giving your mind a rest from rumination and worry.

2. 7-11 breathing while the kettle boils

It’s called 7-11 because you breathe in for 7 and out for 11. The numbers aren’t strict, you could breathe in for 4 and out for 7, whichever numbers are comfortable for you.

The idea is to breathe out for longer than your breathe in and to breathe from your belly rather than your chest. This sends a calming message to your body because it’s the opposite of the way you would breathe if you were anxious or preparing for exercise.

3. Peripheral vision on the sofa

When we’re anxious or stressed we have a tendency to narrow our focus. In nature this would be us giving our full attention to the threat, like a hungry lion coming towards us. So when we use our peripheral vision we’re sending the opposite message to our body that everything is fine. This is one of my favourite ways to relax. When the TV is rubbish it’s a good one to do while you’re sitting on the sofa.

Focus on a spot somewhere in front of you and let your gaze soften.

Keeping your eyes on that spot begin to widen your gaze noticing what you can see to your left and right on the very edges of your vision.

You’ll be surprised how much you can see to your side while you’re still looking forward. You can even notice what you can see above and below the spot.

It may take a bit of practice but it’s something you can do while you’re sitting on the sofa or even in a Zoom call if you feel a bit anxious.

Remember don’t move your eyes or head, keep a soft focus on that spot while noticing what else you can see. Only do it if it feels comfortable for you.

4. Noticing 3 things at your desk

If you’re working from home this is a good way to help you settle in the space. If you’re not working from a desk you could do the same technique on the sofa, in the kitchen, garden or wherever you are. You could do this while you’re waiting for a Zoom call to start or for your computer to start up.

Fix your gaze on a point in front of you.

Notice 3 things you can see without moving your eyes. It could be a computer monitor, Keyboard, mouse.

Then notice 3 things you can hear. Maybe the hum of the computer, birds singing outside, other people in your home.

Then notice 3 things you can feel. Perhaps the feel of the mouse in your hand, the chair beneath you, the temperature of the air.

Then cycle round again noticing 3 more things you can see e.g. the corner of a picture, papers on the desk, a mark on the wall. Then 3 more things you can hear e.g. the sound of notifications on your computer, traffic passing by, the wind. Then 3 more things you can feel, a breeze against your skin, glasses on the bridge of your nose, shirt sleeves against your arms.

Keep cycling through until you’ve run out of new things. Then you can either leave it there or if you’d like to carry on close your eyes and imagine 3 things you could see, hear and feel. Keep cycling through imagining new things until you’re ready to open your eyes and carry on with your day.

5. Body scan in bed

This is a good one to do while you’re lying in bed. First thing in the morning as you’re waking or last thing at night are good times.

Starting with your toes notice how they feel, warm, cool, tingly, still. Do the toes on one foot feel different to the toes on your other foot?

Then give your attention to the pads of your feet, comparing and contrasting them. You don’t need to try to change anything, just notice how they feel.

Then moving up through the feet to your ankles and calves perhaps noticing how the bedding feels against them.

Continue to move your attention up until you’ve been through every body part from your toes to your buttocks, belly, arms, chest, head and face. Then spread your attention throughout the whole body, having a gentle awareness of the whole.

All of these techniques are helpful if you’re feeling stressed or anxious. They’re also good to practice when you’re feeling okay so you have them there when you need them. When you practice them regularly they top up your relaxation bank and you may find you get less stressed and anxious generally.

The 3 Types Of Stress And How To Combat Them

Worrying whether you sent that email, stressing over getting your project in on time, feeling anxious about a meeting. Overbearing boss, your spouse, kids, parents, utility bills, demanding customers, stress can come from anywhere. And it keeps coming day after day like a relentless wave. You might find yourself tossing and turning at night chewing it over or losing time staring into space trying to think of solutions through a fog of panic. But when there’s so much coming from so many directions where do you start?

Identify what kind of stress it is

There are three main categories of stress. Identifying which type of stress is getting to you is the first step to dealing with it.

Stress you can do something about right now
Can you deal with it right now? Are you able to have that conversation today, send the email, tidy up the room, make that payment?
Stress you can do something about later
Does it need to wait till later? Is the person you need to speak to not available until next week? Do you need to stay in your job until you find another one? Is it going to take time to pay back that loan?
Stress you can’t do anything about
Maybe one of your relatives is ill, your house has been flooded or you’ve been made redundant. Some things are out of your control.

So how do you combat the 3 types of stress?

Mark three columns on a piece of paper, one for each of the above categories. List down everything you’re stressing about in the appropriate column.

What difference will categorizing it make?

Your brain is not a good place to keep to-do lists. It will keep reminding you of things at inconvenient times like when you’re trying to sleep. This is because it has an urge to complete them. A study showed that waiters are very good at remembering an order before it’s completed but once it’s done they forget it. This is good when it helps drive us to complete projects. However sometimes it’s not helpful, like in the middle of the night when you can’t do anything about it. So the best thing to do is get your stress list out of your head onto paper. Then your mind doesn’t need to remind you about it and you can start to make a plan.

Making the plan

If you can deal with it now do it. Think how good it will feel when the conversation is over, the email sent or the room tidied. Doing the thing is often less stressful than thinking about it. Plus you get the bonus feeling of relief and accomplishment afterwards.
If you can’t do it right now when can you? Schedule it in. Once your brain knows it’s in the diary it can give you a break from going over and over it.
Is it going to take a long time or involve a number of tasks? Break it down into steps and schedule them in. Again once your brain knows you have a handle on it it can ease off with the reminders.
If there’s nothing you can do about it is there something you can do to mitigate the effect? Maybe you can make your ill loved one’s life easier by doing their shopping. Perhaps it’s time to start looking for a new job or investigating new careers. Taking positive action can fulfil your brain’s need to do something about it. Some people find exercise and meditation helpful too. Writing down how you feel about something and sealing it away in an envelope has also been shown to be effective at giving the mind a sense of resolution.

Once you know what kinds of stress you’re facing you can spend your energy on changing what you can rather than wasting it on worry and anxiety. Even if it’s a stressor you can’t get rid of there are things you can do to mitigate it’s effects.